waking up…

It has been quite some time since I last posted. I have a collection of posts that I am in need of sharing and they have been written and re-written on my hand for weeks…see that’s my thing…how I remember…if it goes on my hand its VIP material! When it starts to wash off, it is re-written in pen, sharpie or anything else permanent enough to stay until said task is addressed or reminder adequately reminded. As I have been known to say…’I lose paper. I cannot lose my hand…in the event that I do lose my hand, having my hand re-attached takes precedence over what may have been written on it.’

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So here, I must say, is my exhale…the opportunity to not rewrite one of those things…to accomplish my task. I have noticed lately that staying busy is still a good strategy for my focus. In this focused state I have taken the opportunity to reflect. I have been thinking a lot about where I am in my life and the choices I am making. I consider what I spend my time doing and the state of my own heart. Waking up, as I have named this post, is symbolic of this awareness and also somewhat literal in reference to my self care journey and a Starbucks drive-thru.

Lately I have been rocking the ADHD style I know and love…multitasking and getting it done. For most of my life, this entailed a level of unawareness and oblivion and to a great degree, neglect of self. One thing I have implemented of late (due to much love and prompting from close friends) is more attention to self care. Let’s be real…I still am hyper aware of a kajillion things around me…hearing and seeing everything in a two mile radius…but the difference…I am having a better ear to hear one thing…ME. Now don’t get me wrong, I am ALWAYS talking to myself, I’m just not likely to listen especially if it has to do with taking good care of me.
Considering that my life mostly consists of care giving as a wife, a mom, a friend, a teacher of young children, and support for a dear elderly couple, this is quite oxymoronic (my daughters word). So back to that voice…it is that voice that led me to the Starbucks drive-thru not once, but three times in one week! Did I have the money for three venti’s? No. Did I need the self care? Yes. Was it worth it? Yes.
I will say that my ‘waking up’ has not been without distress…I have had several days in a row that consisted of little more than brief breaks in crying. Through this profoundly deep sadness that I had come to feel, I reached a place of ‘waking’. A place of some clarity to see myself in a different light and consider myself to be a little higher on the list of those that I care for. I am not at the top…nor will I ever be, that’s just how I roll. So for now, I will stay comfortably a few up from the bottom.
So this listening to myself, honoring myself, being kind to myself, led me to the Starbucks where for three days, I handed over a hefty chunk of my hard earned money for a delightfully enjoyable coffee.
Here is the humor…what led to my having Starbucks drive-thru written on my hand as a topic for posting…Day one: the ever-cheerful person greets me as I order a venti mocha iced coffee, made with skim please and no whipped cream. My order is politely repeated in Starbucks speak “okay, that’s one venti non-fat mocha iced no whipped? anything else?” no thank you…I say, trying to remember how I had said my order and how they changed it.
Day two: I try again…I try to remember exactly how the Starbucks server ordered the words that resulted in my delicious morning libation. WRONG! I hear an old-time game show buzzer in my head and wonder if the employee is smiling and thinking, ‘novice’.
Day three: I’m feeling anxious even before it is my turn…mulling it over in my head. Do I say the size first? Remember to say no-fat! Was it iced mocha or mocha iced? Forget it! In the big picture of things, it matters not, what matters is I am waking up…I am listening to myself and caring about it. Will I think about it the next time I go to Starbucks? Yes! Will I have googled it and written it on my hand in order to avoid hearing the ever polite restructuring from the Starbucks drive thru speaker? Oh Yes!
Take some time today to awaken a little…hear your own heart…and truly listen to what it is telling you. Thank you for taking the time to listen to mine.

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