Although it was Fathers Day, we showered daddy with love and sentiments early and settled in for a relaxing afternoon. I opened my book and began. I read in the kitchen and on the porch, and in the living room. I dozed a bit… Ran out to the market, made dinner and read some more. Then I made a decision, one of several pretty monumental ones for my weekend I must say. I went on a search; I somehow knew right where it was, at least my heart did. A beautifully woven ribbon journal… Perfect for my journey. You see part of being me is the feeling of not enough… I didn’t do enough, say enough, think ahead enough, and so forth. A brave friend of mine summed it up so dearly when she said, “I am so sorry that your ‘not enough’ button got pushed so intensely.” And that’s what it was… Circumstances and specifics aside, that is exactly what had happened… All of my passion and work that I poured out at the close of our school year suddenly disappeared like a wisp of smoke as a candle is blown out.
My Martha self took charge and flooded my brain with memories of my ‘not enough’ moments. I spiraled a while and hung out there… In the muck…and sadness. And then I decided to write those moments down. I worked fast and furious typing out any moment I have told myself I just wasn’t enough. They began shortly after I was born and continue into my adult life. This was a painful but necessary process and my initial intention was to share those in a post. And then I found the book… And my journey took a different course. God knew all along where He was bringing me.
I kissed and hugged my husband and littles, despite my children’s protest at my departure, off I went to my overnight shift. I arrived a few minutes early so I squeezed in another page and a half already silently compiling a list in my head and in my heart to get the ball rolling.
It took a while to settle my overnight charges and before I knew it I was gliding on ink skates across my pages pouring out an introduction to my journey and what ended up being the first twenty six items on my list of a thousand…I had a hard time falling asleep with so many things dancing in my head …in the wings…awaiting their debut. I was soon up to rescue my dear charge who had tipped herself out of the electric recliner and onto the floor…I prayed fervently for the strength to pick her back up and after the fifth try or so she was safe and sound back in the chair and settled for a quick snooze before waking for the day. It was almost four am as I sat next to her, my hand holding hers in reassurance that I was right there… It was an ‘ I AM enough’ moment… One rewarded with what will end up becoming number 27 on my list. I call it the quartet at four…the sun was begging for a few more moments of rest as the moon demanded its night was done…it was the groggy crossover from night… To dawn. The birds began their serenade…
As the book dares, I have begun the list of a thousand things I love and in naming those things, I will be filled with enough … Enough love and enough joy and by claiming that… I will be certain in my heart that I, myself, will be more than enough!