…my brain on a Monday¬†

  
“This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs… Any questions? “. You may recall this powerful Public Service Announcement funded by the Partnership for Drug-free Kids. It ran in 1987. This ad has always stayed with me… I’ve created many versions of this PSA in regards to my own brain…some are quite funny and some…well not so much. 
Today’s brain PSA….
AND…this is my brain …on Monday! 

Did you see that shirt I just had? Where’d my pants go? I just had them are you kidding me? Is that my phone? Can someone shut the alarm off?  Anyone? Hello? Ok…found pants…where’d my shirt go?

Never mind I will shut the alarm off… Thanks though! 

Coffee water is heated…start making it…

Recycling has to go to curb…why is it cold out?

Shirt? Do we have zip lock bags?

“What day is it? A or B? ” she inquires…

Huh? I have no idea…brain frantically searches…am I supposed to know this? Did I lose that memo? 

I ask…what do you mean? (Even though I have quickly figured out that she means that she wants me to open the app on my phone and find out for her)

Ok… Where are my shoes? Where are your shoes? What the hell is my name? Oh yeah phone… Where’d I put it? 

Umm…”I don’t even know where my phone is” of course I find it…and I look up what day it is…I don’t know if it’s A or B … But you have English 

Did I make my coffee? Have to bring the compost buckets out.  Was that the microwave?  Wait a minute… Where’s my phone?  Is that the recycling truck I hear? 

Should I start the car? Zip locks? What am I going to pack lunches in? There’s my shirt! Is the water hot enough to make my coffee? Yay! A new box of zip locks! Excellent! Two lunches to pack… Coffee? Did I start the car yet? 

“I can’t find my fleece!” Hmmmm. My brain scans to visualize where I last saw that fleece… Maybe the stairs? Must pack those lunches… Oh the water is hot again…start the coffee… Fleece?  Did I forget to buy creamer? 

“I can’t find my iPad”…. Couch? Kitchen? Fleece? Near the backpack? Wait a minute! The fleece is right here…  The fleece was found and the search party wasn’t called off.  Not a surprise! 

Lunches!!!! Finish making coffee. iPad? Where did you use it last ? Searching….searching… Is it in Dad’s office with your bass? No! Ugh! Ok…lunches done…is this my coffee? Can someone see if the car is started? 

“The cat? Mom we don’t have a cat! ”  sigh… 

Why????

 (Insert expletive here) … What? “My iPad was underneath my backpack the whole time! Can we go? Mom I’m going to be late”

Really? REALLY?? REALLY???!!!!!

Sigh… This is 15 minutes of my Monday morning… Today’s coping strategy? 

  
This has been a public service announcement from my brain on a Monday…

blackout

blackout
WHY

must I feel

Everybody’s

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

as though

we are C_O_N_N_E_C_T_E_D

by circuitry

thousands of extension cords

jumbled chaos

intertwined

buzzing super highways with

only one exit

MY

BRAIN

I blink

I breathe

I gasp

I cry

and I wait

and I pray

for a

blackout
sudden darkness

still and

quiet

blown transformers from

overloaded circuits

halting the buzz

to a

whisper

I stretch and
try to catch my

breath

try to breathe

fully

in the shelter of

candlelight

craving oxygen to the

deepest

corners of my

lungs

resting in the
quiet

ears healing from the constancy

of the world that surrounds

me

gathering the
grace

and the

peace

and the

strength

I will need

until

the next

blackout

The Persistence of Memory

Please note my use of ‘an’ and not ‘the’. ‘The’ edge does not exist in my world. There are a plethora of edges …each with their own neatly organized list of criteria for going over. Sometimes it’s pretty… This time it was not. 
By nature, I am a fixer…and tonight, this is what led to my demise. And now, the backstory. I received a Starbucks gift card for Christmas from a treasured family that I do elder care with. Lately, my nine year old has become fond of the double chocolate chip frappaccino… A little too fond , so fond in fact that I searched up the copycat recipe on Pinterest. I scanned the recipe to be certain that all of the ingredients were within grasp. Sweet! Ready to roll! I was having a proud frugal mama moment.  
I gathered the ingredients, the nutri ninja base and cup,and the cover with the blade that makes all the magic happen. I even had the whipped cream and a recycled frappaccino cup. I followed the recipe very carefully making sure that all ingredients were measured to the ‘t’. I was happily tallying all the money I’d be saving by this fabulous idea as I placed the cover on the container. My heart was beating happily in anticipation.  
I placed the container in the base and pressed down to engage the motor. I could hardly contain myself! I was celebrating victory inside my head… What a party …champagne, chocolate fountain….

As I lifted the cup from the base, all of that frappaccino goodness poured from the bottom of the cup. The cover that holds the blade had loosened during all that magic. My brain immediately flashed a view of the masterpiece that is Salvador Dalis melting clocks…so aptly named the Persistence of Memory.

  
And so it was the persistence of the memory of all the bank I’d be rolling by making this beverage at home that fueled what became my undoing.
You see… The ninja comes with more than one blade cover. Aha! And guess what?! Each cover has a sweet little gray piece of rubber that is called the gasket. There it was! A loose gasket and a blade without one. Just as I began rejoicing the solution ….it happened. Why wasn’t this gasket fitting soon turned into ‘if it’s the last effing thing I do in my life …this gasket is going to fit!”  

  
I tried a knife, scissors, a chopstick… Nothing …a corkscrew…Nothing! I googled it… Watched YouTube video clips… Nothing! Two long hrs passed, peppered with colorful expletives… I had to get to bed… I stomped into my husbands office and chucked all the parts onto his desk with a gruff “Over an edge!” 

I went to bed… Still reeling and muttering to myself. The freshly washed Starbucks frappaccino cup remained empty among the disaster of the kitchen counter, the empty green straw leaning wearily against the side of the cup.

When I woke the next morning, I went to investigate the progress. Part of me prayed my husband was unsuccessful … Like that would make me feel less of a failure! At first glance it looked like that was the case… Gasket still laying next to the blade cover. Maybe I’m not as hopeless as I thought! Ha! He couldn’t do it either… Let the rejoicing commence! 
“You couldn’t do it either huh?” I was feeling better. Both of us had failed to get into the Mensa club of the nutri ninja! 

Then it came, like a wall of embarrassment … Red hot cheeks… “Um… There’s already a gasket in this cover”, he stated.

No need to share the rest of my reaction… After all, there were three blade covers… The gasket-less one in the sink. Sigh… Fast forward 25 minutes…..

  
…and as I handed the crisp dollars to the lovely barista I inched slightly towards the plateau… back up from ‘an’ edge that I had been sent over.

…walking the blurred line

Dreams they come
muddled and fragmented
flowing together in pieces of one another…
a representation of the patterns of my thoughts that during the day are maneuverable … manageable at the least…
at night they swirl and combine into a most ominous mix of terror and confusion… leaving me exhausted as I wake to sort through for truth amongst it all…a blurred line it becomes between sleep and wakeful states…

…sidelined

Sometimes I feel as though I am living life sidelined…

I am stuck …benched…knowing in my heart I am capable, intelligent and even fun though I find myself sitting out, opting out, paralyzed and defeated .

I am willing to jump up… To support and to play, to give it my all. I cannot seem to initiate leaving the bench, my stomach in knots, consumed by the weight of a thousand sandbags…

I want to rest… I’m tired…my enthusiasm meter reads zero, my affect flat, motivation evasive…as though I myself am not enough to rescue.

My mind is muddled and foggy, scanning like the fm tuner for something that will boost me… Wake me… usher me from the bench on the sidelines where I sit…

…treasures

Cool breeze that makes
the curtains dance
on a summer night…

The welling up of love
that drives tears to your eyes
before you notice…

The urge to dive back into
the middle of a fantastic book
on a rainy afternoon…

The quiet hope of a still…
starry night when a whisper
carries your precious prayers
straight into God’s heart…

It’s a friends birthday… Words spill from my mind like delicious sun tea on a summer afternoon. I wanted to capture the joy in my heart for a friend like her…likening that joy to tangible memories that make you feel so full that you might just burst …

…my one thousand; and learning I am enough

I picked up a new book yesterday at church… One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. IMG_1067

Although it was Fathers Day, we showered daddy with love and sentiments early and settled in for a relaxing afternoon. I opened my book and began. I read in the kitchen and on the porch, and in the living room. I dozed a bit… Ran out to the market, made dinner and read some more. Then I made a decision, one of several pretty monumental ones for my weekend I must say. I went on a search; I somehow knew right where it was, at least my heart did. A beautifully woven ribbon journal… Perfect for my journey. You see part of being me is the feeling of not enough… I didn’t do enough, say enough, think ahead enough, and so forth. A brave friend of mine summed it up so dearly when she said, “I am so sorry that your ‘not enough’ button got pushed so intensely.” And that’s what it was… Circumstances and specifics aside, that is exactly what had happened… All of my passion and work that I poured out at the close of our school year suddenly disappeared like a wisp of smoke as a candle is blown out.

My Martha self took charge and flooded my brain with memories of my ‘not enough’ moments. I spiraled a while and hung out there… In the muck…and sadness. And then I decided to write those moments down. I worked fast and furious typing out any moment I have told myself I just wasn’t enough. They began shortly after I was born and continue into my adult life. This was a painful but necessary process and my initial intention was to share those in a post. And then I found the book… And my journey took a different course. God knew all along where He was bringing me.
I kissed and hugged my husband and littles, despite my children’s protest at my departure, off I went to my overnight shift. I arrived a few minutes early so I squeezed in another page and a half already silently compiling a list in my head and in my heart to get the ball rolling.

It took a while to settle my overnight charges and before I knew it I was gliding on ink skates across my pages pouring out an introduction to my journey and what ended up being the first twenty six items on my list of a thousand…I had a hard time falling asleep with so many things dancing in my head …in the wings…awaiting their debut. I was soon up to rescue my dear charge who had tipped herself out of the electric recliner and onto the floor…I prayed fervently for the strength to pick her back up and after the fifth try or so she was safe and sound back in the chair and settled for a quick snooze before waking for the day. It was almost four am as I sat next to her, my hand holding hers in reassurance that I was right there… It was an ‘ I AM enough’ moment… One rewarded with what will end up becoming number 27 on my list. I call it the quartet at four…the sun was begging for a few more moments of rest as the moon demanded its night was done…it was the groggy crossover from night… To dawn. The birds began their serenade…

As the book dares, I have begun the list of a thousand things I love and in naming those things, I will be filled with enough … Enough love and enough joy and by claiming that… I will be certain in my heart that I, myself, will be more than enough!