…my brain on a Monday 

  
“This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs… Any questions? “. You may recall this powerful Public Service Announcement funded by the Partnership for Drug-free Kids. It ran in 1987. This ad has always stayed with me… I’ve created many versions of this PSA in regards to my own brain…some are quite funny and some…well not so much. 
Today’s brain PSA….
AND…this is my brain …on Monday! 

Did you see that shirt I just had? Where’d my pants go? I just had them are you kidding me? Is that my phone? Can someone shut the alarm off?  Anyone? Hello? Ok…found pants…where’d my shirt go?

Never mind I will shut the alarm off… Thanks though! 

Coffee water is heated…start making it…

Recycling has to go to curb…why is it cold out?

Shirt? Do we have zip lock bags?

“What day is it? A or B? ” she inquires…

Huh? I have no idea…brain frantically searches…am I supposed to know this? Did I lose that memo? 

I ask…what do you mean? (Even though I have quickly figured out that she means that she wants me to open the app on my phone and find out for her)

Ok… Where are my shoes? Where are your shoes? What the hell is my name? Oh yeah phone… Where’d I put it? 

Umm…”I don’t even know where my phone is” of course I find it…and I look up what day it is…I don’t know if it’s A or B … But you have English 

Did I make my coffee? Have to bring the compost buckets out.  Was that the microwave?  Wait a minute… Where’s my phone?  Is that the recycling truck I hear? 

Should I start the car? Zip locks? What am I going to pack lunches in? There’s my shirt! Is the water hot enough to make my coffee? Yay! A new box of zip locks! Excellent! Two lunches to pack… Coffee? Did I start the car yet? 

“I can’t find my fleece!” Hmmmm. My brain scans to visualize where I last saw that fleece… Maybe the stairs? Must pack those lunches… Oh the water is hot again…start the coffee… Fleece?  Did I forget to buy creamer? 

“I can’t find my iPad”…. Couch? Kitchen? Fleece? Near the backpack? Wait a minute! The fleece is right here…  The fleece was found and the search party wasn’t called off.  Not a surprise! 

Lunches!!!! Finish making coffee. iPad? Where did you use it last ? Searching….searching… Is it in Dad’s office with your bass? No! Ugh! Ok…lunches done…is this my coffee? Can someone see if the car is started? 

“The cat? Mom we don’t have a cat! ”  sigh… 

Why????

 (Insert expletive here) … What? “My iPad was underneath my backpack the whole time! Can we go? Mom I’m going to be late”

Really? REALLY?? REALLY???!!!!!

Sigh… This is 15 minutes of my Monday morning… Today’s coping strategy? 

  
This has been a public service announcement from my brain on a Monday…

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blackout

blackout
WHY

must I feel

Everybody’s

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

as though

we are C_O_N_N_E_C_T_E_D

by circuitry

thousands of extension cords

jumbled chaos

intertwined

buzzing super highways with

only one exit

MY

BRAIN

I blink

I breathe

I gasp

I cry

and I wait

and I pray

for a

blackout
sudden darkness

still and

quiet

blown transformers from

overloaded circuits

halting the buzz

to a

whisper

I stretch and
try to catch my

breath

try to breathe

fully

in the shelter of

candlelight

craving oxygen to the

deepest

corners of my

lungs

resting in the
quiet

ears healing from the constancy

of the world that surrounds

me

gathering the
grace

and the

peace

and the

strength

I will need

until

the next

blackout

in the hush…

Somewhere between the fight to stay

and the courage to let go

Love burns furious…

Tearing away… in fear of it consuming you if

you stay

Hesitant of returning to inevitable loss

The waiting and the wonder…grief…on

hold

Knowing nothing for certain yet knowing it is

not

forever…

Claiming all that you can…in quiet

moments…

Gathering and holding this furious love

To sustain you…to comfort you in the time

after

After the departure from this

life

Time stands still …and yet time moves so

rapidly…

In a blink…

Silence…a pause…

pause that should be filled by the next

…breath

hold very still… and wait for another …

Is this…the

last…

No… just a practice… A practice for both of

us

We both need practice…practice for this

change

Longer they get…the silence readies us

for…something…something

new…

Never have we been so…

brave

And then…

In the hush…
In the hush

Exhale …

In the hush…see with the heart…not the

eyes

Immersed in grace

Tread gently…these times are

fragile

Gather up a new collection … Pieces…

memories

A different way to hold…

With the heart and not…

hands

Moving forward… Time is slow…

Deepening the heart…

to accommodate our new…

relationship…

Until…we meet up

again

Searching for you… In the

hush 

…to be heard

20131024-173633.jpg

Promise it resonates that you are not what you did you are not defined by an action of the past but by choices for your future…I pray that you felt the powerful reception of your message to us…hear this… You are HOPE…
Continue to be real … It is a powerful vehicle… Sometimes REAL translates to uncomfortable but since when has comfort brought about true change? It is in really listening that we come to know… It is in the listening that the impetus for human connection is nurtured. It is in human connection that we come to learn we are one in the same… We are no different, all deserving of a moment to be heard …I’m so sorry you had to speak so loudly and so powerfully to be heard… Though in my heart I’m ever so thankful that you did.

…held like the stars

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I’ve always heard joy comes in the morning…

a weekend spent in darkness…searching…wondering…questioning…

What tipped the scale? What sent me hurtling …vision blurred through tears

the concern…lost footing…lost grip…it had caught up

how would I get through…how did I get here?

I found comfort in the stars…and the love of my family… I trusted it and rested…

…and then came my answer…with the dawn…heaviness lifted…I could feel… I could breathe…I could speak without tears

…change comes upon us sometimes when we are unaware

I will not be held captive to this change…I know I have an army for this battle…change will not break me

I am fearfully and wonderfully made… This I know… I am the daughter of the King…and I am never alone…

…surfacing

…it’s morning and I wake…surrounded by my children

I prayed in the night…for protection …comfort…relief from the heaviness

…I forwent the medicine I believe plunged me under…unable to catch my breath

…made a cup of tea instead of making demands of myself

…opened up the windows and invited fresh air to fill my lungs

…recognizing I’m not alone…needing to know it in the depths of my heart

…this is the beginning of trust…of hope…I believe it is a start…

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to hear…

I must trust that you know what I need

As I seek to be at your feet to surrender, you lift me… You beckon me to your embrace… The embrace that tells me I am yours… That assures me you have not left me in my struggle…that whispers… I am right here with you

Allow myself to accept your invitation to love me fully for that’s the only way to fully loving myself

Only right now I cannot seem to hear you…