blackout

blackout
WHY

must I feel

Everybody’s

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

as though

we are C_O_N_N_E_C_T_E_D

by circuitry

thousands of extension cords

jumbled chaos

intertwined

buzzing super highways with

only one exit

MY

BRAIN

I blink

I breathe

I gasp

I cry

and I wait

and I pray

for a

blackout
sudden darkness

still and

quiet

blown transformers from

overloaded circuits

halting the buzz

to a

whisper

I stretch and
try to catch my

breath

try to breathe

fully

in the shelter of

candlelight

craving oxygen to the

deepest

corners of my

lungs

resting in the
quiet

ears healing from the constancy

of the world that surrounds

me

gathering the
grace

and the

peace

and the

strength

I will need

until

the next

blackout

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…surfacing

…it’s morning and I wake…surrounded by my children

I prayed in the night…for protection …comfort…relief from the heaviness

…I forwent the medicine I believe plunged me under…unable to catch my breath

…made a cup of tea instead of making demands of myself

…opened up the windows and invited fresh air to fill my lungs

…recognizing I’m not alone…needing to know it in the depths of my heart

…this is the beginning of trust…of hope…I believe it is a start…

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to hear…

I must trust that you know what I need

As I seek to be at your feet to surrender, you lift me… You beckon me to your embrace… The embrace that tells me I am yours… That assures me you have not left me in my struggle…that whispers… I am right here with you

Allow myself to accept your invitation to love me fully for that’s the only way to fully loving myself

Only right now I cannot seem to hear you…

…swallowed up

…the trumpet sounds …troops recalled to battle

startled and staggering they arrive as the territory is bombarded and overtaken

anxiety soars …immobilizes

although their location remains unchanged, stunned they are to be once again called up to serve

certain they were, after the last time, that this war was over…

at least it was the resounding hope…

the jaws of depression closed around me….and swallowed me up once again

…and I am left to wonder how I will emerge this time …

shadow of me…

Me…my shadow
in my shadow I am expressionless…

In my shadow you cannot see the the weariness …the heaviness of my heart that I wear in my sleeve…

all is masked by the outline of me…in my shadow

in my shadow my flaws are hidden
my distress unseen…

my shadow is comforted… Loved… warmed by the Son…the light…

unconditionally and completely…in my shadow

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…walking the blurred line

Dreams they come
muddled and fragmented
flowing together in pieces of one another…
a representation of the patterns of my thoughts that during the day are maneuverable … manageable at the least…
at night they swirl and combine into a most ominous mix of terror and confusion… leaving me exhausted as I wake to sort through for truth amongst it all…a blurred line it becomes between sleep and wakeful states…

…the mission

I strain to hear the gentleness of the raindrops on the leaves of the trees

Stretch to breathe in the fragrant air of the approaching storm

Eyes alert to see the vivid streaks light up the sky before me

I wait…for some movement…some feeling…some stirring no matter how faint… Some reaction to the external…

I’m on a mission…a mission to feel…to know without question I am a part of the world that surrounds me

A mission to make my way out of the thickness…the heaviness that is cement…forbidding me to move… To respond outside of these tears