…my brain on a Monday 

  
“This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs… Any questions? “. You may recall this powerful Public Service Announcement funded by the Partnership for Drug-free Kids. It ran in 1987. This ad has always stayed with me… I’ve created many versions of this PSA in regards to my own brain…some are quite funny and some…well not so much. 
Today’s brain PSA….
AND…this is my brain …on Monday! 

Did you see that shirt I just had? Where’d my pants go? I just had them are you kidding me? Is that my phone? Can someone shut the alarm off?  Anyone? Hello? Ok…found pants…where’d my shirt go?

Never mind I will shut the alarm off… Thanks though! 

Coffee water is heated…start making it…

Recycling has to go to curb…why is it cold out?

Shirt? Do we have zip lock bags?

“What day is it? A or B? ” she inquires…

Huh? I have no idea…brain frantically searches…am I supposed to know this? Did I lose that memo? 

I ask…what do you mean? (Even though I have quickly figured out that she means that she wants me to open the app on my phone and find out for her)

Ok… Where are my shoes? Where are your shoes? What the hell is my name? Oh yeah phone… Where’d I put it? 

Umm…”I don’t even know where my phone is” of course I find it…and I look up what day it is…I don’t know if it’s A or B … But you have English 

Did I make my coffee? Have to bring the compost buckets out.  Was that the microwave?  Wait a minute… Where’s my phone?  Is that the recycling truck I hear? 

Should I start the car? Zip locks? What am I going to pack lunches in? There’s my shirt! Is the water hot enough to make my coffee? Yay! A new box of zip locks! Excellent! Two lunches to pack… Coffee? Did I start the car yet? 

“I can’t find my fleece!” Hmmmm. My brain scans to visualize where I last saw that fleece… Maybe the stairs? Must pack those lunches… Oh the water is hot again…start the coffee… Fleece?  Did I forget to buy creamer? 

“I can’t find my iPad”…. Couch? Kitchen? Fleece? Near the backpack? Wait a minute! The fleece is right here…  The fleece was found and the search party wasn’t called off.  Not a surprise! 

Lunches!!!! Finish making coffee. iPad? Where did you use it last ? Searching….searching… Is it in Dad’s office with your bass? No! Ugh! Ok…lunches done…is this my coffee? Can someone see if the car is started? 

“The cat? Mom we don’t have a cat! ”  sigh… 

Why????

 (Insert expletive here) … What? “My iPad was underneath my backpack the whole time! Can we go? Mom I’m going to be late”

Really? REALLY?? REALLY???!!!!!

Sigh… This is 15 minutes of my Monday morning… Today’s coping strategy? 

  
This has been a public service announcement from my brain on a Monday…

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blackout

blackout
WHY

must I feel

Everybody’s

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

as though

we are C_O_N_N_E_C_T_E_D

by circuitry

thousands of extension cords

jumbled chaos

intertwined

buzzing super highways with

only one exit

MY

BRAIN

I blink

I breathe

I gasp

I cry

and I wait

and I pray

for a

blackout
sudden darkness

still and

quiet

blown transformers from

overloaded circuits

halting the buzz

to a

whisper

I stretch and
try to catch my

breath

try to breathe

fully

in the shelter of

candlelight

craving oxygen to the

deepest

corners of my

lungs

resting in the
quiet

ears healing from the constancy

of the world that surrounds

me

gathering the
grace

and the

peace

and the

strength

I will need

until

the next

blackout

in the hush…

Somewhere between the fight to stay

and the courage to let go

Love burns furious…

Tearing away… in fear of it consuming you if

you stay

Hesitant of returning to inevitable loss

The waiting and the wonder…grief…on

hold

Knowing nothing for certain yet knowing it is

not

forever…

Claiming all that you can…in quiet

moments…

Gathering and holding this furious love

To sustain you…to comfort you in the time

after

After the departure from this

life

Time stands still …and yet time moves so

rapidly…

In a blink…

Silence…a pause…

pause that should be filled by the next

…breath

hold very still… and wait for another …

Is this…the

last…

No… just a practice… A practice for both of

us

We both need practice…practice for this

change

Longer they get…the silence readies us

for…something…something

new…

Never have we been so…

brave

And then…

In the hush…
In the hush

Exhale …

In the hush…see with the heart…not the

eyes

Immersed in grace

Tread gently…these times are

fragile

Gather up a new collection … Pieces…

memories

A different way to hold…

With the heart and not…

hands

Moving forward… Time is slow…

Deepening the heart…

to accommodate our new…

relationship…

Until…we meet up

again

Searching for you… In the

hush 

…mama

…Mama

Powerful word… Joyfully anticipated from the lips of infants…

Enjoyably received in the ear eagerly awaiting to be called this most blessed name

Such strength , and power to make ones heart skip a beat, to propel one into running to aid, to comfort…to love.

It’s a word I will never tire of hearing…
One that my heart will swell with love to receive again and again…and again…

One that I pray escapes the lips of my elderly children someday as they find their way back to my arms…I’ll always answer to… Mama

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…dear sleep

Dear sleep… Where were you all night? I waited and waited for your arrival and you never came…I searched the news for you… Praying my eyelids might grow heavy and catch a glimpse of you… I prayed to the shepherd instead of counting sheep and He had another purpose for me…eighteen hrs later as I sit on my porch in the breeze at sunset I am exhausted… Feeling depleted and so much not enough. Perhaps the reason was simple… To relax and know I don’t have to worry because Jesus surely has it all covered …

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…and sleep turns down the cozy bed and fluffs my pillow…

little curator…

So quiet you arrived
Gentle curls and stunning blue eyes that searched… Observed and took it all in…

Your soft spokenness grew to excited sharing..eyebrows raised, sparkles in your eyes like fireflies dancing on a summers eve

Your gentle quiet nature a comfort to your friends
Gathered close…bent noggins to hear your amazing ideas…kept in inventory inside your own museum…

Artifacts like treasure you collect in your heart…fossils of the brief years you carry and the many years to come

Taller you have grown…your voice more commanding yet still sweet…treasuring your days as your history grows

I smile … thankful to have taught you and learned from you…stay gentle little curator…

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looking for time…

Waking up early for more time in the day… More time to do more…

Rushing to get it all done or just shutting down and avoiding it all together because that just seems easier…

Overwhelmed by it all… Closing up even more and retreating as time slips faster into the darkness of my curled up self…

Taking the first step…being brave… Mornings first deep breath and stretch, I find thankfulness for waking…

I pause…and breathe … and grow…and awaken to the quiet, find comfort in it, restoration in it

I hear birds outside and inhale the richness of my freshly brewed coffee… Has it ever smelled so good?

This moment of pause becomes the foundation of my day… In this moment of pause, I have gained time …somehow stretched my minutes, and enjoyed it… I inhale the truth of Be still…and know …I exhale and sink into this cozy place

God whispers to me in those moments and He says just what I need to hear…’ You do not need time to do more… You need more time of doing less’