…my brain on a Monday¬†

  
“This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs… Any questions? “. You may recall this powerful Public Service Announcement funded by the Partnership for Drug-free Kids. It ran in 1987. This ad has always stayed with me… I’ve created many versions of this PSA in regards to my own brain…some are quite funny and some…well not so much. 
Today’s brain PSA….
AND…this is my brain …on Monday! 

Did you see that shirt I just had? Where’d my pants go? I just had them are you kidding me? Is that my phone? Can someone shut the alarm off?  Anyone? Hello? Ok…found pants…where’d my shirt go?

Never mind I will shut the alarm off… Thanks though! 

Coffee water is heated…start making it…

Recycling has to go to curb…why is it cold out?

Shirt? Do we have zip lock bags?

“What day is it? A or B? ” she inquires…

Huh? I have no idea…brain frantically searches…am I supposed to know this? Did I lose that memo? 

I ask…what do you mean? (Even though I have quickly figured out that she means that she wants me to open the app on my phone and find out for her)

Ok… Where are my shoes? Where are your shoes? What the hell is my name? Oh yeah phone… Where’d I put it? 

Umm…”I don’t even know where my phone is” of course I find it…and I look up what day it is…I don’t know if it’s A or B … But you have English 

Did I make my coffee? Have to bring the compost buckets out.  Was that the microwave?  Wait a minute… Where’s my phone?  Is that the recycling truck I hear? 

Should I start the car? Zip locks? What am I going to pack lunches in? There’s my shirt! Is the water hot enough to make my coffee? Yay! A new box of zip locks! Excellent! Two lunches to pack… Coffee? Did I start the car yet? 

“I can’t find my fleece!” Hmmmm. My brain scans to visualize where I last saw that fleece… Maybe the stairs? Must pack those lunches… Oh the water is hot again…start the coffee… Fleece?  Did I forget to buy creamer? 

“I can’t find my iPad”…. Couch? Kitchen? Fleece? Near the backpack? Wait a minute! The fleece is right here…  The fleece was found and the search party wasn’t called off.  Not a surprise! 

Lunches!!!! Finish making coffee. iPad? Where did you use it last ? Searching….searching… Is it in Dad’s office with your bass? No! Ugh! Ok…lunches done…is this my coffee? Can someone see if the car is started? 

“The cat? Mom we don’t have a cat! ”  sigh… 

Why????

 (Insert expletive here) … What? “My iPad was underneath my backpack the whole time! Can we go? Mom I’m going to be late”

Really? REALLY?? REALLY???!!!!!

Sigh… This is 15 minutes of my Monday morning… Today’s coping strategy? 

  
This has been a public service announcement from my brain on a Monday…

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blackout

blackout
WHY

must I feel

Everybody’s

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

as though

we are C_O_N_N_E_C_T_E_D

by circuitry

thousands of extension cords

jumbled chaos

intertwined

buzzing super highways with

only one exit

MY

BRAIN

I blink

I breathe

I gasp

I cry

and I wait

and I pray

for a

blackout
sudden darkness

still and

quiet

blown transformers from

overloaded circuits

halting the buzz

to a

whisper

I stretch and
try to catch my

breath

try to breathe

fully

in the shelter of

candlelight

craving oxygen to the

deepest

corners of my

lungs

resting in the
quiet

ears healing from the constancy

of the world that surrounds

me

gathering the
grace

and the

peace

and the

strength

I will need

until

the next

blackout

…held like the stars

20130923-130523.jpg

I’ve always heard joy comes in the morning…

a weekend spent in darkness…searching…wondering…questioning…

What tipped the scale? What sent me hurtling …vision blurred through tears

the concern…lost footing…lost grip…it had caught up

how would I get through…how did I get here?

I found comfort in the stars…and the love of my family… I trusted it and rested…

…and then came my answer…with the dawn…heaviness lifted…I could feel… I could breathe…I could speak without tears

…change comes upon us sometimes when we are unaware

I will not be held captive to this change…I know I have an army for this battle…change will not break me

I am fearfully and wonderfully made… This I know… I am the daughter of the King…and I am never alone…

…surfacing

…it’s morning and I wake…surrounded by my children

I prayed in the night…for protection …comfort…relief from the heaviness

…I forwent the medicine I believe plunged me under…unable to catch my breath

…made a cup of tea instead of making demands of myself

…opened up the windows and invited fresh air to fill my lungs

…recognizing I’m not alone…needing to know it in the depths of my heart

…this is the beginning of trust…of hope…I believe it is a start…

20130922-110847.jpg

…my island

my island ….

I have a little island though its no paradise
No GPS can get me there…. I just find myself there from time to time
It’s not serene or a place to entertain
Even I don’t wish to be there
On this island I am serenaded by the song ‘you’re not enough’

Pieces of my shipwrecked self wash up on the shore…random shattered ness that taunts
Reminders of failure…of fault and of shame
Scattered pieces of my brokenness…

My island is where all I need is Jesus because when I’m on my island Jesus is the only certainty I have…

In my island moments He makes me whole

For now I wait… For my escape from this place
Not knowing the form my rescue will take…

Striving for awareness …the hope not to miss the arrival…the gentle voice that coaxes me back to the mainland

The cloudless blue sky so vivid and the warmth of the sun reminding me of life…brilliant and penetrating as it encourages me to breathe once again within my own skin…

20130805-120718.jpg

knowing…the long story…and the short

You are a firecracker…lit the moment your beautiful coffee brown self was placed in your loving mamas arms on the day you were born

You were three when we met… going on fifteen…you enter a room with presence…

Your knowledge so vast for your small frame…I wonder how you hold it all without falling over…so many volumes already written in your memory

You are just one year older now…since I have known you…and I have come to know you well…synchronized…your moods recognizable

Such a joy to always see your raised hand …anticipation to answer…and more…to grow us with what you know beyond that

We sometimes shake our heads…your teachers…and your mama too…I have seen it…in awe of your shining brilliance that you know not yet the full magnitude of…

I’m grateful for you in my heart… You have blessed me so…challenged my humor…and brought forth in me the desire to hear both the long and the short version of the story before I decide which will feel just right…

…to know you

I have been trying to pay some mind to the reel of thoughts that have been spooling from deep inside my ADHD self of late…searching for paper to jot it before it is lost or muddled with the next thought. In my attempt to be mindful and quiet externally, internally my mind is speaking rather loudly.

I am a teacher… It is a preschoolers last day… here is a clip from my reel to capture the joy she has been to grow with…

it was picture day…
you were fabulous…
your sweet true heart revealed through my lens that day… though we had just met…

a twirling dance…
marching band…
arm poised…knees snapping up and down in unison
as you lead

a strong commanding voice that can quiet to a suspenseful hush…
eyes light up and dance as a story is shared with friends…
leaning close to soak in the magic…
as your own imagination exhales into others

a delightful balance …
so pleased exploring and learning …
finding yourself…

humble to reach out…
embracing others …
as you share the beautiful YOU you are growing to be…