…held like the stars

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I’ve always heard joy comes in the morning…

a weekend spent in darkness…searching…wondering…questioning…

What tipped the scale? What sent me hurtling …vision blurred through tears

the concern…lost footing…lost grip…it had caught up

how would I get through…how did I get here?

I found comfort in the stars…and the love of my family… I trusted it and rested…

…and then came my answer…with the dawn…heaviness lifted…I could feel… I could breathe…I could speak without tears

…change comes upon us sometimes when we are unaware

I will not be held captive to this change…I know I have an army for this battle…change will not break me

I am fearfully and wonderfully made… This I know… I am the daughter of the King…and I am never alone…

…surfacing

…it’s morning and I wake…surrounded by my children

I prayed in the night…for protection …comfort…relief from the heaviness

…I forwent the medicine I believe plunged me under…unable to catch my breath

…made a cup of tea instead of making demands of myself

…opened up the windows and invited fresh air to fill my lungs

…recognizing I’m not alone…needing to know it in the depths of my heart

…this is the beginning of trust…of hope…I believe it is a start…

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to hear…

I must trust that you know what I need

As I seek to be at your feet to surrender, you lift me… You beckon me to your embrace… The embrace that tells me I am yours… That assures me you have not left me in my struggle…that whispers… I am right here with you

Allow myself to accept your invitation to love me fully for that’s the only way to fully loving myself

Only right now I cannot seem to hear you…

…swallowed up

…the trumpet sounds …troops recalled to battle

startled and staggering they arrive as the territory is bombarded and overtaken

anxiety soars …immobilizes

although their location remains unchanged, stunned they are to be once again called up to serve

certain they were, after the last time, that this war was over…

at least it was the resounding hope…

the jaws of depression closed around me….and swallowed me up once again

…and I am left to wonder how I will emerge this time …

shadow of me…

Me…my shadow
in my shadow I am expressionless…

In my shadow you cannot see the the weariness …the heaviness of my heart that I wear in my sleeve…

all is masked by the outline of me…in my shadow

in my shadow my flaws are hidden
my distress unseen…

my shadow is comforted… Loved… warmed by the Son…the light…

unconditionally and completely…in my shadow

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…walking the blurred line

Dreams they come
muddled and fragmented
flowing together in pieces of one another…
a representation of the patterns of my thoughts that during the day are maneuverable … manageable at the least…
at night they swirl and combine into a most ominous mix of terror and confusion… leaving me exhausted as I wake to sort through for truth amongst it all…a blurred line it becomes between sleep and wakeful states…