…my brain on a Monday

  
“This is your brain…this is your brain on drugs… Any questions? “. You may recall this powerful Public Service Announcement funded by the Partnership for Drug-free Kids. It ran in 1987. This ad has always stayed with me… I’ve created many versions of this PSA in regards to my own brain…some are quite funny and some…well not so much. 
Today’s brain PSA….
AND…this is my brain …on Monday! 

Did you see that shirt I just had? Where’d my pants go? I just had them are you kidding me? Is that my phone? Can someone shut the alarm off?  Anyone? Hello? Ok…found pants…where’d my shirt go?

Never mind I will shut the alarm off… Thanks though! 

Coffee water is heated…start making it…

Recycling has to go to curb…why is it cold out?

Shirt? Do we have zip lock bags?

“What day is it? A or B? ” she inquires…

Huh? I have no idea…brain frantically searches…am I supposed to know this? Did I lose that memo? 

I ask…what do you mean? (Even though I have quickly figured out that she means that she wants me to open the app on my phone and find out for her)

Ok… Where are my shoes? Where are your shoes? What the hell is my name? Oh yeah phone… Where’d I put it? 

Umm…”I don’t even know where my phone is” of course I find it…and I look up what day it is…I don’t know if it’s A or B … But you have English 

Did I make my coffee? Have to bring the compost buckets out.  Was that the microwave?  Wait a minute… Where’s my phone?  Is that the recycling truck I hear? 

Should I start the car? Zip locks? What am I going to pack lunches in? There’s my shirt! Is the water hot enough to make my coffee? Yay! A new box of zip locks! Excellent! Two lunches to pack… Coffee? Did I start the car yet? 

“I can’t find my fleece!” Hmmmm. My brain scans to visualize where I last saw that fleece… Maybe the stairs? Must pack those lunches… Oh the water is hot again…start the coffee… Fleece?  Did I forget to buy creamer? 

“I can’t find my iPad”…. Couch? Kitchen? Fleece? Near the backpack? Wait a minute! The fleece is right here…  The fleece was found and the search party wasn’t called off.  Not a surprise! 

Lunches!!!! Finish making coffee. iPad? Where did you use it last ? Searching….searching… Is it in Dad’s office with your bass? No! Ugh! Ok…lunches done…is this my coffee? Can someone see if the car is started? 

“The cat? Mom we don’t have a cat! ”  sigh… 

Why????

 (Insert expletive here) … What? “My iPad was underneath my backpack the whole time! Can we go? Mom I’m going to be late”

Really? REALLY?? REALLY???!!!!!

Sigh… This is 15 minutes of my Monday morning… Today’s coping strategy? 

  
This has been a public service announcement from my brain on a Monday…

blackout

blackout
WHY

must I feel

Everybody’s

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

as though

we are C_O_N_N_E_C_T_E_D

by circuitry

thousands of extension cords

jumbled chaos

intertwined

buzzing super highways with

only one exit

MY

BRAIN

I blink

I breathe

I gasp

I cry

and I wait

and I pray

for a

blackout
sudden darkness

still and

quiet

blown transformers from

overloaded circuits

halting the buzz

to a

whisper

I stretch and
try to catch my

breath

try to breathe

fully

in the shelter of

candlelight

craving oxygen to the

deepest

corners of my

lungs

resting in the
quiet

ears healing from the constancy

of the world that surrounds

me

gathering the
grace

and the

peace

and the

strength

I will need

until

the next

blackout

in the hush…

Somewhere between the fight to stay

and the courage to let go

Love burns furious…

Tearing away… in fear of it consuming you if

you stay

Hesitant of returning to inevitable loss

The waiting and the wonder…grief…on

hold

Knowing nothing for certain yet knowing it is

not

forever…

Claiming all that you can…in quiet

moments…

Gathering and holding this furious love

To sustain you…to comfort you in the time

after

After the departure from this

life

Time stands still …and yet time moves so

rapidly…

In a blink…

Silence…a pause…

pause that should be filled by the next

…breath

hold very still… and wait for another …

Is this…the

last…

No… just a practice… A practice for both of

us

We both need practice…practice for this

change

Longer they get…the silence readies us

for…something…something

new…

Never have we been so…

brave

And then…

In the hush…
In the hush

Exhale …

In the hush…see with the heart…not the

eyes

Immersed in grace

Tread gently…these times are

fragile

Gather up a new collection … Pieces…

memories

A different way to hold…

With the heart and not…

hands

Moving forward… Time is slow…

Deepening the heart…

to accommodate our new…

relationship…

Until…we meet up

again

Searching for you… In the

hush 

The Persistence of Memory

Please note my use of ‘an’ and not ‘the’. ‘The’ edge does not exist in my world. There are a plethora of edges …each with their own neatly organized list of criteria for going over. Sometimes it’s pretty… This time it was not. 
By nature, I am a fixer…and tonight, this is what led to my demise. And now, the backstory. I received a Starbucks gift card for Christmas from a treasured family that I do elder care with. Lately, my nine year old has become fond of the double chocolate chip frappaccino… A little too fond , so fond in fact that I searched up the copycat recipe on Pinterest. I scanned the recipe to be certain that all of the ingredients were within grasp. Sweet! Ready to roll! I was having a proud frugal mama moment.  
I gathered the ingredients, the nutri ninja base and cup,and the cover with the blade that makes all the magic happen. I even had the whipped cream and a recycled frappaccino cup. I followed the recipe very carefully making sure that all ingredients were measured to the ‘t’. I was happily tallying all the money I’d be saving by this fabulous idea as I placed the cover on the container. My heart was beating happily in anticipation.  
I placed the container in the base and pressed down to engage the motor. I could hardly contain myself! I was celebrating victory inside my head… What a party …champagne, chocolate fountain….

As I lifted the cup from the base, all of that frappaccino goodness poured from the bottom of the cup. The cover that holds the blade had loosened during all that magic. My brain immediately flashed a view of the masterpiece that is Salvador Dalis melting clocks…so aptly named the Persistence of Memory.

  
And so it was the persistence of the memory of all the bank I’d be rolling by making this beverage at home that fueled what became my undoing.
You see… The ninja comes with more than one blade cover. Aha! And guess what?! Each cover has a sweet little gray piece of rubber that is called the gasket. There it was! A loose gasket and a blade without one. Just as I began rejoicing the solution ….it happened. Why wasn’t this gasket fitting soon turned into ‘if it’s the last effing thing I do in my life …this gasket is going to fit!”  

  
I tried a knife, scissors, a chopstick… Nothing …a corkscrew…Nothing! I googled it… Watched YouTube video clips… Nothing! Two long hrs passed, peppered with colorful expletives… I had to get to bed… I stomped into my husbands office and chucked all the parts onto his desk with a gruff “Over an edge!” 

I went to bed… Still reeling and muttering to myself. The freshly washed Starbucks frappaccino cup remained empty among the disaster of the kitchen counter, the empty green straw leaning wearily against the side of the cup.

When I woke the next morning, I went to investigate the progress. Part of me prayed my husband was unsuccessful … Like that would make me feel less of a failure! At first glance it looked like that was the case… Gasket still laying next to the blade cover. Maybe I’m not as hopeless as I thought! Ha! He couldn’t do it either… Let the rejoicing commence! 
“You couldn’t do it either huh?” I was feeling better. Both of us had failed to get into the Mensa club of the nutri ninja! 

Then it came, like a wall of embarrassment … Red hot cheeks… “Um… There’s already a gasket in this cover”, he stated.

No need to share the rest of my reaction… After all, there were three blade covers… The gasket-less one in the sink. Sigh… Fast forward 25 minutes…..

  
…and as I handed the crisp dollars to the lovely barista I inched slightly towards the plateau… back up from ‘an’ edge that I had been sent over.

…to be heard

Promise it resonates that you are not what you did you are not defined by an action of the past but by choices for your future…I pray that you felt the powerful reception of your message to us…hear this… You are HOPE…
Continue to be real … It is a powerful vehicle… Sometimes REAL translates to uncomfortable but since when has comfort brought about true change? It is in really listening that we come to know… It is in the listening that the impetus for human connection is nurtured. It is in human connection that we come to learn we are one in the same… We are no different, all deserving of a moment to be heard …I’m so sorry you had to speak so loudly and so powerfully to be heard… Though in my heart I’m ever so thankful that you did.

…held like the stars

I’ve always heard joy comes in the morning…

a weekend spent in darkness…searching…wondering…questioning…

What tipped the scale? What sent me hurtling …vision blurred through tears

the concern…lost footing…lost grip…it had caught up

how would I get through…how did I get here?

I found comfort in the stars…and the love of my family… I trusted it and rested…

…and then came my answer…with the dawn…heaviness lifted…I could feel… I could breathe…I could speak without tears

…change comes upon us sometimes when we are unaware

I will not be held captive to this change…I know I have an army for this battle…change will not break me

I am fearfully and wonderfully made… This I know… I am the daughter of the King…and I am never alone…

…surfacing

…it’s morning and I wake…surrounded by my children

I prayed in the night…for protection …comfort…relief from the heaviness

…I forwent the medicine I believe plunged me under…unable to catch my breath

…made a cup of tea instead of making demands of myself

…opened up the windows and invited fresh air to fill my lungs

…recognizing I’m not alone…needing to know it in the depths of my heart

…this is the beginning of trust…of hope…I believe it is a start…

…swallowed up

…the trumpet sounds …troops recalled to battle

startled and staggering they arrive as the territory is bombarded and overtaken

anxiety soars …immobilizes

although their location remains unchanged, stunned they are to be once again called up to serve

certain they were, after the last time, that this war was over…

at least it was the resounding hope…

the jaws of depression closed around me….and swallowed me up once again

…and I am left to wonder how I will emerge this time …

shadow of me…

Me…my shadow
in my shadow I am expressionless…

In my shadow you cannot see the the weariness …the heaviness of my heart that I wear in my sleeve…

all is masked by the outline of me…in my shadow

in my shadow my flaws are hidden
my distress unseen…

my shadow is comforted… Loved… warmed by the Son…the light…

unconditionally and completely…in my shadow

…walking the blurred line

Dreams they come
muddled and fragmented
flowing together in pieces of one another…
a representation of the patterns of my thoughts that during the day are maneuverable … manageable at the least…
at night they swirl and combine into a most ominous mix of terror and confusion… leaving me exhausted as I wake to sort through for truth amongst it all…a blurred line it becomes between sleep and wakeful states…